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Monday, January 29, 2007
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I am a monster..
Everyday.. I beat myself up coz of that fact...
I am a fake..
Somehow, I want to believe that I am real..
That I am one of the good guys..
But I am not..
I am no better than anyone else..
I blamed myself for what happened to us..
And losing you is the stupidiest thing I did...
Somehow I don't want to be justified..
I want to be beatten up...
I thought the monster inside me is dead...
But it's still alive..waiting for the perfect moment to get loose...

I heard Pastor Sumrall said to the pastors, "One day, you will wake up and said some thing to somebody that you will regret." Even though I am not a pastor I feel that what he said spoke to me. I said some things I never should have said. I released words I never should have released. I surrendered myself completely to rage... now.. I lost it. Everyday, I beat myself up. And when I read the Bible I feel so stupid. I feel like it mentioned me. I want to stop reading and stay away from God coz I am not worthy. I just feel like a fake every single time I read it. But then I thought... Who is worthy? No one is worthy... we all need God. I don't have to let myself loose to stupidity again. Pastor Sumrall added, "You are human." Yes, I am human. I make mistakes and if I won't learn from this.. I will be like Samson..I will surely fail.
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007
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1. Do not confuse the process with the people.

Sometimes we tend to sacrifice the person just because we want to stick to the process even though we know that something is wrong with the process. The person is, many time, more important with the process. One good example of this is when we dined at a fastfood in Cebu. There were six of us trying to fit ourselves in a table for four people. We don't have much of a choice, the store only caters for groups of four and we need to be together since it was our working lunch. After taking our orders, we sat the down and talk about what we are about to do. When our food was served, a crew of that fastfood has the stomach to tell us to remove the extra chairs we had because it will block the aisle. I look around and nobody was there except our group; We are the only customer of the store at that time. So I reprimanded him and told him where will he put the group in such a way that we will not block the aisle. He did not responded instead he grab the chair and asked us to move. WOW!!! So I went in under his skin and give him a piece of my mind. What I thought at that moment is that after ordering food from them and paying for the place, he has now the stomach to correct us without even giving us an alternative solution to our problems. He confused the rightness of the procedure with the customer. He forgot that the customer is always right.

2. Don't confuse people with tools.

Never refer to one person as a tool. Because he is not a tool, he is a being. I hate it when some people refer to somebody as a tool. I feel that it is such a disrespect to the God who created that person. I have an example about this but I will not write it.

3. Exercise the power of choice.

This is a very relative statement. If you are a dictator then you don't give a damn about choice. What you probably want is for people to obey you whether or not they want to. Choice is a power given to us by God. Like all powers it can be used and abused. In any institution where freedom of choice is advocated, people there is has no right whatsoever to dictate choices of other people, esp if the choice is between two good things. Dictators don't belong to a these kind of institution. They just don't mix. Rebellion is not even needed to overthrow dictators because the system will overthrow the dictator itself. Free choice and forced choice just don't mix.
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Thursday, January 11, 2007
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"I don't like you...", she told me straight in my face. "Just forget it.. don't even wait.", she added. I let out a slight grin and said, " then.. OK.. let's just be friends then. OK?". "OK.", she said. I know that was not going to be the last time that I will tell her how special she is for me. She was just 15 years old and it was just months since I celebrated my 21st birthday. We hang-out a lot; Just talk about anything - music, love, politics, religion, human rights, and so on and so forth.
Before that conversation took place I already determined in my heart that I am ready for whatever she will say. If she rejects me then it's worth it. Somebody so special should be worthy of hurting me emotionally. I won't regret being rejected by somebody so special to me. So there I was.. letting out that slight smile that might changed the mood of the situation. The next night, we spoke again as if I never told her that I love her and I want her to be my girl the previous night. This probably came in as a surprise to her but I was not going to allow it put a gap between us. If I can't have the girl then I want the friend. That night, I am ready to be just a friend.

One day, she told me that she likes the song, "I could sing of Your Love" by Sonicflood so what I did was I went to a friend and asked him to help me play that song using a guitar. She is musically inclined so I am planning to impress her by playing that song using her guitar (I don't own a guitar but she does). If you know me personally I can't even play a "cling-clang". I mean I don't play any musical instrument but I sing. And I found my voice to be OK. So I thought, if I can just learn a bit of strumming and sing at the same time then I should be able to pull this amazing feat of playing a guitar. And so there I was playing and practicing one single song - I could sing of you love. My friend didn't asked why I want that song, he just showed me how to do it. I practiced for about 2-3 Saturdays. After feeling a little bit of confidence... I feel that I am now ready to present this amazing act of playing the whole song.

So I went to her.. chitchat a bit. Then asked for the guitar and started playing the song that she like.:D I know I was not impressive but I think I was able to pull it off. You know why? Because she sang with me!!! hehehehe... yeah she sang with me.."Over the mountains and the sea.. Your river runs with love for me.." hehehe... she sang with me. :)
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Tuesday, January 09, 2007
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  • 10:38 AM
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I like this blog: http://jonowen.blogspot.com

He wrote about worship which I really miss doing. I mean I do worship God but I want more. I'm hungry and thirsty and I just want to cry and laugh in His presence. I miss doing all those things. I miss our [me and Jesus] intimate time together. I mean I miss it and I became a bit hard-hearted because its been a long time since I really had a sprit to spirit encounter with God. It's been a long time since I had a "burning bush" experience with God. Today I had a bit but I want more. I want more of His presence and just want to experience more of God.

I want to see His Word leap out of the pages of the Bible once again. I want to experience Him again and again.. until, like the bush, I get burned. I want to be burned again by the holy fire of God. I want to melt the man in me. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about but I hope you do.
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