My Sedentary Lifestyle.

I am a monster..
Everyday.. I beat myself up coz of that fact...
I am a fake..
Somehow, I want to believe that I am real..
That I am one of the good guys..
But I am not..
I am no better than anyone else..
I blamed myself for what happened to us..
And losing you is the stupidiest thing I did...
Somehow I don't want to be justified..
I want to be beatten up...
I thought the monster inside me is dead...
But it's still alive..waiting for the perfect moment to get loose...

I heard Pastor Sumrall said to the pastors, "One day, you will wake up and said some thing to somebody that you will regret." Even though I am not a pastor I feel that what he said spoke to me. I said some things I never should have said. I released words I never should have released. I surrendered myself completely to rage... now.. I lost it. Everyday, I beat myself up. And when I read the Bible I feel so stupid. I feel like it mentioned me. I want to stop reading and stay away from God coz I am not worthy. I just feel like a fake every single time I read it. But then I thought... Who is worthy? No one is worthy... we all need God. I don't have to let myself loose to stupidity again. Pastor Sumrall added, "You are human." Yes, I am human. I make mistakes and if I won't learn from this.. I will be like Samson..I will surely fail.