Losing a speech contest.:)

I never thought I'd compete in a speech contest but last week, in a drop of a hat, I said YES to participating on a speech contest. I thought, "wow what's the worst thing that could happen? Losing the contest? Maybe."

I soon realized that the worst thing that could happen is to freeze in front of the crowd and lose the contest. I was scared as I imagined myself choking in front of so many people. I imagined the pat in the back of my friends as they say, "you did well" when in fact I froze. Those words of "comfort" is like a sharp knife stabbed through my rib cage and into my heart and every time they decided to comfort me this way, I feel then reaching for that imaginary knife and wiggle it like an endless torture. The night before the contest day, I did not do anything but watch Boston Legal. I watched and listen to the lawyer's eloquent speech in the courtroom and their sensual banter in the office then I thought to myself, "Can I use these tomorrow? Well, evaluating a speech is just like a lawyer, appearing before the jury telling them to free this man or woman because her speech is amazing. " I felt a bit of pressure as I imagine myself again choking while speaking before the audience. Then I reminded myself, "This is just a speech contest." Then I fell asleep.

Contest day came and I was thinking of not coming to the venue:) But then I feel that I have to go. I went there with my friends. I saw my office mate rehearsing her piece then I released wow I have nothing to rehearse. I did not prepare anything. When the contest started, I stood up, feeling a bit of momentum and then in some part of the speech, I lost focus and I forgot what to say. I just made up some words and then try to hit the 2 minute mark of the contest requirement. Right there and then, I know its over- I already lost. I want to apologize to everyone for not making the jump but I know it will humiliate me. My friends, then started giving me my dreaded "pat in the back". Oh no.... I felt every pat and heard every word. But then I realized that I don't have to say sorry. My friends did not need me to say sorry. They were there to give the best support they can give and I am too lame to understand they want to make me feel better. So all that's left is for me to forgive myself. "I'm sorry Jo, I did not made it.", I said to myself. Then deep down inside, I heard me say, "It's alright.:) You had worst.:)"

It is said that failure is a better teacher than success. And I would say, winning is way better than failing. So what did I learn from this experience? I learned that I need to learn how to relax. I need to learn to brainwash myself to excellence and to always have fallback plan just in case I choke. For me, this is more of a mental exercise and exposure. I look at this like making a jar of clay, I will simply persist until I succeed.