Warning: Negative Post

I don't want to write any negative posts but I am forced to because I feel so guilty.
I consider myself a positive person but maybe sometimes negativity has its time.
So here goes my negative post:
I hate myself a bit, maybe because I feel I'm not punished as should? Or maybe because I
don't feel as emotional as I should? Or maybe because I think I'm too calloused to feel the weight
of the pain I've caused? Guilty and calloused. What an oxymoron right? Somehow I want to see myself in pain but I can't harm myself. Maybe I love myself that much. There are just so many contradictory thoughts in my mind that if I listen to them I will get confused myself. I am not miserable but I want to be. Maybe my time has not come yet? Or maybe I should just go ahead and forgive myself?