caligynophobia

The word of the day is caligynophobia.:) I don't know if you heard of this word before but its a very interesting word because it means "fear of beautiful women". I believe I used to have minor case of this type of phobia because every time I get around beautiful women, I feel so uneasy and miserable confused. I feel like I need to do something but I don't know what it is. I feel rattled sometimes and most of the times I just can't talk.:)

I remembered the first time I courted a girl in high school, her name is Sheryl or Cheryl (I forgot) and I really find her beautiful and I every time I see her, my heart would pound like crazy and my palms would sweat like a faucet. So one time, we were in the library and I decided to declare my undying love to Sheryl and so I went up to her and said, "Hi". I want you to focus on those two-letter word- HI. Because that's the only sensible word I could remember telling her. My jaw locked and all I can say were gibberish words. Its as if a big fish got stucked in my throat. I cannot move my lips. I cannot open my mouth to form sensible words. I just froze in front of her. She was there looking at me probably astonished by the fact that I cannot even talk. Probably because of pity, she decided to kick things off by asking the questions. She asked me if I liked her to which I nodded. Then she asked me if I never had a girlfriend to which I nodded again. Then she asked me if it's the first time I courted a girl to which I nodded again.:) Then to end the boring courtship, she said, "My mom won't permit me to have a boyfriend. So... sorry." After hearing those words, I bolted out of the library with all her classmates wondering if I was mad. I was not mad, I was just confused on what to do. I could not talk and I could not negotiate. Fear just got my throat.:)

In college I had an opportunity to be seated with this seemingly sophisticated and beautiful lady, alias "Marko's girl". She probably is a fun to watch because I could not talk to her. I can only count in my two fingers the time when I spoke with her.:) And those are the times when she asked me if we had an assignment and if I have a partner for the mini-thesis to these questions I answered, "YES". The second answer was a lie.:) I did not have a partner I want her to be my partner but I cannot afford freezing in front of her while making the thesis.:) There were many instances when I froze (sometimes almost to death) when I am with a beautiful lady. It's probably the insecurity, the low self-esteem, or because of the way my family brought me up. I was told not to have a girlfriend until I graduate in high school so it probably suppressed my feelings somehow. Whatever the reason is, I can't really pin-point why I had those feelings. The important thing is, I got over it somehow.:)

How? It was when I had my first girlfriend. When she said it's OK to be her girl I feel a bit of confidence in myself. I realized that I am not really ugly and I really have something that is likeable to some women. I remembered that I realized how amazing it is to have a girlfriend. I feel so blissful to love and be love in return. My first girlfriend was an amazing lady she bear a lot of my flaws and hurts in the past. It was along those times that I feel better to be me and I feel that I can talk to anybody. I realized that I have some talent that others might be interested as well. I realized that if I can keep my girlfriend interested in our conversation for hours then I can at least be interesting to some people. I have put it to the test many many times and it was then that I realized that I do not fear beautiful women anymore. Much of the change that happened to me happened in the inside and then it changed some things on the outside like the way I present myself, the way I talk to people, the way I act, and the way to look at people. The change is inside-out and not outside-in.

If you have a case of caligynophobia, I suggest that you find your niche and trust yourself. You may have under-estimated yourself so look at your strength more than your weaknesses. Lastly, continue to improve yourself and the way you present yourself, it is said that you only have around 5 seconds to make an impression so when you meet a person make the best 5-second presentation of yourself. Again the change should be inside-out. You have to change your thoughts on who you are and not how you look. The how you look will follow from the who you are.