You shall not pass!!!!

I am big believer of not beating myself up. I believe that, by the end of the day the sure person who will be there for you is yourself. Yeah, of course there is God but He is a Spirit so allow me via these grounds to count Him out. In the end of the day, God can tap your heart but you're gonna have to make a choice to pick yourself up. So in these grounds I believe I should not beat myself up too much or be too hard on me.:) Hey I'm only one and if I can't defend myself from me then who else will?

Today, I felt a tinge of grief because of some actions that I did in the past that I knew is gonna hurt me in the future. Now I am in constant (nearly constant) pain because of it. I tried blaming myself but then I don't want to blame myself too much. I also tried thinking and re-thinking and in the end I am still in pain. The natural tendency of man is to move from pain to pleasure. So now, I'm thinking of what type of pleasure I want to go to. I have thought about it and I found that I really don't know what type of pleasure and I probably just wait this out and allow time to mend what I did. I have not prayed as well for many weeks now and I guess this also added to the burden that I felt in my heart. Bottom-line is, I am going to wait this out, bury myself in work and dreams, try to stay as normal as possible and wait for the type A, energetic, melancholic, focused, enthusiastic, and positive me to take shape in the whole process. I have to admit I never thought I'll be back to be this emotional. This primal emotion has plagued my high school and college years and somehow it subsided when Joyce became my girlfriend. Now it's a bit back and I am fighting this off. So with this let me quote Gandalf in Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Ring, as I he stood against humongous fiery demon called Balrog, "You shall not pass!!!!"